The week comes around quickly, and before I know it I’m faced with the prospect of another weigh-in.
The scales at home show that I’ve lost a couple of pounds, but the scales in class – which seem to be possessed by a very mean-spirited devil – always seem to show a different weight, and mostly not in my favour!
I can’t stand the thought of that warm but pitiable smile from the person operating the scales, when they tell me in hushed tones that (yet again) I’ve maintained or even put on a few pounds. I can’t stand the thought of the consultant joyously announcing to the class my TOTAL weight loss – which, as everyone knows, is code for “he’s been pigging out again”!
So, to make sure I definitely get a loss – any loss – in class, I put myself through a punishing series of trials, to shave off a few ounces from my body before going to class:
- I will always have a pee and a poo before class. I don’t want anything from this morning’s breakfast to be still in my system!
- I will stop drinking at lunchtime, because any liquids after that will not clear my system before the class. The up-shot of this is that I’m nearly faint with dehydration by the time I step on the scales, but at least I can look forward to a lovely cup of tea (in a disposable cardboard cup) afterwards.
- I will assess the weight of my clothes, and discard any heavy ones. The consultant is very much against people stripping off completely for their weigh-in – she thinks it will traumatise people and put off new joiners from staying. So, on the basis that I need to wear something, I need the clothes to be light. Last week at home I weighed myself twice – once with my shirt on, and once without – and I was a whole pound lighter without the shirt. I must have really heavy clothes!
- I will empty my pockets of keys, wallet, mobile phone, loose change, old bus tickets, pocket lint, and anything else that’s in there. I’ll also divest myself of a belt – as long as my trousers fit well enough not to fall down during class.
- I will walk or cycle to class, because it’s never too late to fit in a bit of body magic. And of course, I can sweat a bit more fluid out of me!
- And lastly, I will kick off my shoes. But then again everyone does that!
Of course, I fully realise that if I did all this every week, not only would it cease to have any benefit, but it would be really bad for me. I’m sure deliberately dehydrating myself is not something that would be encouraged,
So at the end of the day, I would need to lose some actual weight from my body to see a loss on the scales. And that, I guess, involves following the bloody plan.